don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we're making bets on your personal life
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You're a waste of cheezeits
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
