Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
