Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
