Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
