i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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