there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
a search helicopter?!
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
