Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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