It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
