I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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