Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
