So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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