M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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