I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
