what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
