he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
