she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
