I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
