remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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