I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
