she woke up with a sticky ear
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
