he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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