I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
