i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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