She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
