at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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