i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
