after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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