I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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