I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
