You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
