i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
