Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
