what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
