my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
