everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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