Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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