No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
