she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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