Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
