Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
