morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
