Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
