so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
