i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
