You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
love makes seman taste better
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
