You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
love makes seman taste better
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
