i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
