So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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