you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
