Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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